When the magic continues and you can only surrender and go with the flow…
It’s not often that you could find me at a loss for words, and yet here we are. The new show is becoming a tapestry behind something beautiful and precious, and I am feeling incredibly grateful for this. Some readers will know, others can read between the lines.
This year really is something. I am the light, and the flower, and the blooming seed, and the wind that carries our hopes of spring.
Closing the season with a wonderful evening on the stage of Big Mic Energy, at the Comedy Clubhouse, surrounded by friendship and a blast of a crowd.
In a way, symbolically, this is also closing the door on the past year and moving on. Not that I’m quitting comedy, although I will be winding down my involvement to focus on other projects (*cough* The Commodore’s Gold *cough*), no I mean, the emotional roller-coaster from which it’s taken me so much to recover, the last five months of 2024 that almost got me to my breaking point, and the difficult journey upwards to recover my light, and nurture it, and rebuild my sense of self.
I’m closing the door on the hurt. I’m gently letting all of it go, trying to focus on being grateful for the lessons learned, and turning towards the future, with the hope that it holds better things. I have grown so much in the past 12 months. It was harrowing at times, and there were moments I didn’t know if I would make it. But I’m still here.
I’m still fucking here.
Like Taylor says, “And if you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow. And it’s alright now.”
See you in September, peeps. Peace out.
Let it be
Let my soul be your light
Let my tears be your water
Let my arms be your soil
So that you bloom like you deserve
Let it be all that
Have faith again
And find love anew
So that mine was not in vain
These fragments ended up true. I’m so, sorry.
The band plays on the sidewalk
Trumpet glimmering in the sun
But I don’t hear the joy
Headphones on
Listening to sad songs
Lone terrace patron
Drinking her coffee
Added sugar but all I taste is salt
From the tears I repress
Not in public
Not now
They’ll flow later
But for now
The band plays on the sidewalk
And I don’t hear a single note
And the world is salt
I don’t know what it is
I don’t know what it isn’t
That for some reason
I am not worthy of your love
I don’t know what it is
I don’t know what it isn’t
That for some reason
I am not worthy of my own
Maybe this is the answer to that
Maybe the mirror cracked
When I looked at it
Presumptuous and vain
Thinking I was ready
Maybe the mirror cracked
To show me not the way
But my distortions
When I knew them by heart
and thought them conquered
Presumptuous and vain
Running not towards light
But false reflections
When the mirror cracked
And I realized that for all my efforts
I would never reach
When the mirror cracked
And my distortions exploded
And my hopes were shattered
Into as many razor-sharp shards
Presumptuous
Vain
Vanquished
I don’t know what it is
That makes me recoil
The reflection showed a broken path
And I fell
And maybe this time
I am tired
And maybe this time
I don’t get up
And maybe this time
I learn the bitter lesson
I don’t know what it is
I don’t know what it isn’t
That makes me so
But the die is cast
And it is faith gone
And it is hope lost
Because the mirror cracked
And the light was snuffed
And I got lost
In the ashes of dead dreams
y por si es la última vez que nos escribimos,
rayo de sol entre las nubes más oscuras,
si este hilo de Ariadna que te dí acaba roto
por culpa de los ladrillos agrietados
de esos muros que construyo a mi alrededor
que sepas que nunca te quiero olvidar a ti tampoco
me impediré buscar tu nombre en aeropuertos
en canciones o poemas
en hilos, en conversación, en redes
ciega seré para mejor despertar, algún día
con gratitud intacta, y paz, y amor
anhelo y esperanza de un corazón abierto de nuevo
Lots of sad little poetry fragments there lately, yeah. Many unpublished. I’m not doing too well… Where even to begin?
So many emotions bursting at the seams. Bittersweet sorrows, unrequited love, heartbreak like I never thought possible. I’m a mass of confused demons each pulling in every directions, dark thoughts mixed with elation, the most wonderful love for a most wonderful person who cannot return the feeling, a terrible abyss of loneliness and despair lined with the tiniest sliver of hope that this is not all for nothing….
Was it all for nothing?
When I started this journey, I knew the bargain and accepted it freely, but it feels insurmountable sometimes to reach a point where a relationship might be on the table again. I struggle so much to accept my current situation, because how likely it is that I will strike gold a third time? Find a soul as beautiful and precious as theirs, who ALSO wants me? It feels like such a ludicrous pipe dream I can’t even take it seriously. Such optimism feels borderline insulting.
And I am devastated by this. Truly, utterly heartbroken. Right person wrong time is just a fancy way of saying wrong person, and the cruel clarity of it makes me profoundly miserable.
Yes, I do therapy. But some days you just need to vent into the void.
Back at my beloved Palau to see Madama Butterfly, a genuine bucket list item that I finally got to cross out yesterday. But what an eerily fitting way though to cap off a month full of emotional turmoil, to watch the doomed romance between Cio-Cio-San and Pinkerton. I’d been waiting for this day for literal years, yet I never imagined it would come as a bookend to what turned out to be a cruelly bittersweet summer. Life truly make things fall into place in funny ways sometimes…
I knew what I was getting into when I started. I knew what I would be losing.
But fuck. I didn’t expect it would hurt so godamn much.