Finishing the year with an unexpected SEVENTH SET thanks to the Comedy Clubhouse’s Midweek Crisis show!! đ Thank you Mila for hosting and Mara for the picture!
I needed this so much. Having driven back home just a few hours earlier after Christmas with the family, doing this show felt like being back with my tribe. The comedy community in Barcelona is amazing and I love every single one of these wonderful people. â€ïž
Let it be
Let my soul be your light
Let my tears be your water
Let my arms be your soil
So that you bloom like you deserve
Let it be all that
Have faith again
And find love anew
So that mine was not in vain
These fragments ended up true. I’m so, sorry.
The band plays on the sidewalk
Trumpet glimmering in the sun
But I donât hear the joy
Headphones on
Listening to sad songs
Lone terrace patron
Drinking her coffee
Added sugar but all I taste is salt
From the tears I repress
Not in public
Not now
Theyâll flow later
But for now
The band plays on the sidewalk
And I donât hear a single note
And the world is salt
I bought this top from Shein close to six years ago (hey shut up Shein was great for a closeted trans girl trying out things) and until tonight I had never worn it out of the house. And a lot of the compliments I got throughout the evening were about how good it looked on me, which yeah, not disagreeing đ đ
But on a seriouser note, another lot of compliments was about my set and Iâm so very happy about that. Talking about and sharing my trans experience on stage in a standup comedy setting is a great way for me to feel like I do my part, as small as it is, to bring my community to the light and bring out awareness with laughter and good vibes.
The crowd last night was amazing. All the comedians were brilliant. And the atmosphere was absolutely fucking incredible, full of joy and allyship and love. With everything that’s happening in the world from the US to the UK to France to even Spain now, last night was validating as fuck, not just as a comedian or a transgender woman, but as a human being. And I felt so good today, you guys. So good. After weeks of depression, it’s a breath of fresh air and I needed this, so much.
Thank you AtoMIC Comedy Barcelona for nurturing this safe space for women and LGBTQIA+ comedians in Barcelona â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž This AtoMIC baby is very grateful.
This letting go thing is never easy, but it was necessary, and the mind knew it way before the heart could. I find comfort in knowing Iâm stronger for it and climbing this mountain a little bit higher every day, and my heart is in a safer place now, even if I donât know when it will ever be ready to open itself up again.
Truth is, the beauty that these awakenings happened at all is a gift that will remain dear to my heart long after any lingering pain is gone. It rekindled and brought out of me emotions that I thought lost forever, and for this I am so tremendously grateful.
And I truly cannot think of a worthier person I could have felt them for.
Three years ago today, I started a journey. Who knew a couple of pills could be so daunting? Taking them for the first time was without a doubt the bravest thing Iâve ever done in my entire life.
Two years ago, I told the world. I braced for consequences⊠and received nothing but love and acceptance. I am very fortunate in this regards. Not all of us have this chance.
And last year, I realised something was missing to go full circle. If 2024 could be summed up in two words, they would be âgrowing painsâ. But if it could be summed up in one word, it would be âgrowingâ.
This year was a year of the lowest lows and the highest highs. It was a year of smashing comfort zones and going farther than ever before. It was a year of firsts, a year of Pride, a year of friendships. A year of recovery too, and healing, and rebuilding foundations.
My heart is full of joy and gratefulness today for all the old and new friends who supported and uplifted me in this journey. One in particular stands out for bringing into my life so much light, and inspiration, and warmth. Thank you dearest I. for your unwavering kindness and your indomitable spirit, and for helping me through the worst days. To count you as my friend is truly a gift, and I am eternally thankful for it.
My gratitude also goes to many more, I canât list everyone who made a difference, because they all did.
The fourth year begins now. They say struggles prepare you for the great things coming your way. If thatâs the case, I canât wait to see what 2025 is going to bring.
Iâm Rachel, and Iâm here to fucking stay.
Take care, loves â€ïž We got this.
xo
Chel
I donât know what it is
I donât know what it isnât
That for some reason
I am not worthy of your love
I donât know what it is
I donât know what it isnât
That for some reason
I am not worthy of my own
Maybe this is the answer to that
Maybe the mirror cracked
When I looked at it
Presumptuous and vain
Thinking I was ready
Maybe the mirror cracked
To show me not the way
But my distortions
When I knew them by heart
and thought them conquered
Presumptuous and vain
Running not towards light
But false reflections
When the mirror cracked
And I realized that for all my efforts
I would never reach
When the mirror cracked
And my distortions exploded
And my hopes were shattered
Into as many razor-sharp shards
Presumptuous
Vain
Vanquished
I donât know what it is
That makes me recoil
The reflection showed a broken path
And I fell
And maybe this time
I am tired
And maybe this time
I donât get up
And maybe this time
I learn the bitter lesson
I donât know what it is
I donât know what it isnât
That makes me so
But the die is cast
And it is faith gone
And it is hope lost
Because the mirror cracked
And the light was snuffed
And I got lost
In the ashes of dead dreams
y por si es la Ășltima vez que nos escribimos,
rayo de sol entre las nubes mĂĄs oscuras,
si este hilo de Ariadna que te dĂ acaba roto
por culpa de los ladrillos agrietados
de esos muros que construyo a mi alrededor
que sepas que nunca te quiero olvidar a ti tampoco
me impediré buscar tu nombre en aeropuertos
en canciones o poemas
en hilos, en conversaciĂłn, en redes
ciega serĂ© para mejor despertar, algĂșn dĂa
con gratitud intacta, y paz, y amor
anhelo y esperanza de un corazĂłn abierto de nuevo
Lots of sad little poetry fragments there lately, yeah. Many unpublished. I’m not doing too well… Where even to begin?
So many emotions bursting at the seams. Bittersweet sorrows, unrequited love, heartbreak like I never thought possible. Iâm a mass of confused demons each pulling in every directions, dark thoughts mixed with elation, the most wonderful love for a most wonderful person who cannot return the feeling, a terrible abyss of loneliness and despair lined with the tiniest sliver of hope that this is not all for nothingâŠ.
Was it all for nothing?
When I started this journey, I knew the bargain and accepted it freely, but it feels insurmountable sometimes to reach a point where a relationship might be on the table again. I struggle so much to accept my current situation, because how likely it is that I will strike gold a third time? Find a soul as beautiful and precious as theirs, who ALSO wants me? It feels like such a ludicrous pipe dream I canât even take it seriously. Such optimism feels borderline insulting.
And I am devastated by this. Truly, utterly heartbroken. Right person wrong time is just a fancy way of saying wrong person, and the cruel clarity of it makes me profoundly miserable.
Yes, I do therapy. But some days you just need to vent into the void.