Shifting lines in the sand
Of love and intimacy
Ebbing and flowing
Never really settling
Heart lost in idiosyncrasy
Everything ahead a foreign land
An unraveled strand
Of misleading intricacy
I’m blind but tottering
With an inkling
I will find mercy
By your hand
poetry scraps #4
2024.07.15poetry scraps #3
2024.06.18The heartbreaks
The pains
The failures of life
I call them my Kintsugi moments
I pick up the pieces of me
That are broken
Put them back together
Lovingly
And paint the cracks with gold
Its light shimmers
And guides my way forward
Always brighter
ya girl did her first standup! š
2024.06.14I’m officially an amateur comedian hahahaa
30 months
2024.05.15Today marks 30 months on HRT 
The past 2.5 years have seen so much personal growth, and yet in many ways Iām still at the beginning of my journeyā¦ 2024 is definitely shaping up to be a year of rediscovery and rebuilding oneās sense of self. Iām aiming towards reaching my 3rd anniversary with newfound social confidence, making new friendships, and who knows, if Iām very lucky, maybe moreā¦
I wonāt post any timeline selfie today because emotions run a tad too high and Iām a bit of a mess, but deep down the spirit is there.
Love,
Chel.
poetry scraps #2
2023.12.05She hits me
Like a wall of bricks
The weight of a thousand unearned expectations
Drags me down
Into the deep
What is it now, the face, the eyes
The skin, the everything,
And anything in between
The harshest critic
The mother of all bullies
Unwelcome
Yet ever present
In an instant changing
From shadow to red hot pincers
dissecting my soul
She knows me well
This relentless foe
Knows my fears
And secrets
And dreams
For she is me
The darkest me
My dysphoria
Itās never too late
2023.11.15
As we reach the middle of this Transgender Awareness Week, today marks two anniversaries: two years since I started transitioning and one year since I came out socially. To say that I was fortunate would be a vast understatement: the reactions from my family, friends and colleagues have been and continue to be overwhelmingly positive, and my now-not-so-new job (another one year anniversary!) has been incredibly supportive and kind.
Even though I regained the pounds I lost during that first year (Iām working on it okay?), I have never felt so in tune with my body and my feelings. Everything feels ārightā. I wonāt say there are no ups and downs, no moments of doubt, no occasional dip into darknessā¦ but I increasingly come out of these stronger and more determined to stay the course, because I know itās the correct one. I look in the mirror now and I see me, the real me, no longer a glimpse from the corner of my eye, but real and defiant and looking back, as if to ask whatās next.
Whatās next? I donāt know. But the journey so far has been profoundly validating and meaningful, and joyful too. And to be able to share this joy and validation, and my deep gratitude, during this week, is a privilege.
Thank you to all my family, friends, colleagues and allies who supported me, and support the community, in these uncertain years. You make a difference.
Itās never too late to be yourself.
Love,
Chel
poetry scraps
2023.06.12I act like I don’t care
As the insults sting
I act like I don’t care
As you deny my humanity
I act like I don’t care
As you sneer and mock
I act like I don’t care
Because giving you reactions
Would fuel the fire
Because biting back
Is what you expect
Because you prod and provoke
And see me as lesser than you
I act like I don’t care
Swallowing back tears
Knuckles white
Showing nothing of the rage inside
I act like I don’t care
To deny you this satisfaction
But I do
And while your hate hurts
It hurts a thousand times more
That in my weakest moments
I believe you
Virgin River (2019-present)
2023.05.06This isn’t really a mini-review but I just wanted to share how I loved watching this show these past few weeks.
My sappy side is on full display for this one. Iāll admit I kinda cry easily and I’ve been teary-eyed more than once, but I gotta say one of Season 3ās plotlines downright shattered me because it was so similar to what happened to my family last year, it was roughā¦
At the same time, itās so funny to stop and do the math sometimes and realize seasons donāt actually represent years. Indeed within these first four seasons, it seems not even a single semester has passed, as one of the characters found out she was pregnant early in Season 1 and is still only five months pregnant at the end of Season 4… Yet characters got shot, stabbed, kidnapped, blackmailed, arrested, freed, engaged, not engaged, pregnant, lost their house, fought, reconciled, you name it. This must be the most intense year ever for these guys!
But what keeps me going back is simple. I just love the friendships and camaraderie in this show, the fact the whole town is like an extended family to each other (and their absolute addiction to gossip is also so funny), itās so sweet, and with how the world has been going lately I think I needed that.
I’ll be waiting for Season 5 later this year.
TUW update
2023.03.30After careful consideration and much back and forth, I decided to pull the plug on the TUW trilogy, indefinitely.
In spite of a new outline and fresh start, I’m struggling with the writing/rewriting and I’ve also come to think that, given how science and sci-fi concepts have evolved in the past decades, and how real-world politics have as well to a certain extent, several aspects of the story would no longer work for a modern release. In the end, there is so much to change or update that it would cause the story to lose many of the plot elements I envisioned, notably a critical event in the second book that was the main inciting incident for the third.
I’m not abandoning this universe just yet. I might revisit it with short stories, or a different story, or aspects of TUW from another POV… But after close to 30 years, maybe it’s time to realize that maybe this story, at all the different stages from 1994 to 2001 to 2008 to today, was only meant to be a training stage, and nothing more.
March being what it was (i.e. a bitch), there’s also that besides the issues with TUW itself, I feel that I simply tried to do too much too quick. Between work, family stuff, my transition, the news… I’ll be taking a break from writing altogether for the next few weeks. I need to center myself and see where I’m at, and tackle the next project with mindfulness and clarity.
Chel
New arrival!
2023.02.09I’ve been playing the saxophone on and off for a little over ten years on an alto (mostly jazz and blues), but I’ve always wanted to “upgrade” to a tenor at some point. Well…
It’s a Thomann Antique Tenor sax, with a gorgeous antique brass finish, and it sounds fantastic. I can’t wait to put it through its paces! <3